{"id":2813,"date":"2012-11-15T20:28:07","date_gmt":"2012-11-16T01:28:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/?p=2813"},"modified":"2012-11-15T20:31:23","modified_gmt":"2012-11-16T01:31:23","slug":"the-power-of-an-apology","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/2012\/11\/15\/the-power-of-an-apology\/","title":{"rendered":"The Power of an Apology"},"content":{"rendered":"

Saying “I’m sorry” can be very difficult for some of us.\u00a0 We routinely make mistakes.\u00a0 As coined by Alexander Pope<\/a>: “To err is human; to forgive, divine.<\/em>”\u00a0 Within any interpersonal relationship there will be inadvertent missteps or even acts of anger that hurt those close to us.\u00a0 Its not a matter of if<\/strong>, it’s a matter of when<\/strong>.\u00a0 Forgiving is important, as Pope emphasizes: and it is also quite often a difficult thing to do.\u00a0 But the act of apologizing, it seems to me, can be even harder.<\/p>\n

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But why?<\/p>\n

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Obviously it necessitates swallowing one’s pride and accepting responsibility for one’s misdeeds.\u00a0 It also requires a departure from one’s unique view of the world and the adoption of another person’s perspective.\u00a0 Swallowing one’s pride is hard enough and perspective taking stirs the feelings of guilt.\u00a0 For these reasons alone, I believe that saying the two simple words “I’m sorry” is perhaps one of the bravest things a person can do.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There are other factors that contribute to the difficulty associated with an apology.\u00a0\u00a0 Some view it as a tacit acknowledgement of one’s weakness.\u00a0 It does tend to elicit a personal feeling of vulnerability and perhaps pangs of subjugation, defeat, and loss of status.\u00a0 It can entwine and envelope one in a aura of incompetence and humility.\u00a0 No one likes such feelings: none of them elevate one’s sense of\u00a0 well being.\u00a0 The opposite is true: they instead elicit dysphoric <\/a>feelings that essentially punish the inclination to apologize. \u00a0 Thus, many avoid, ignore, or steep themselves in denial.\u00a0 Pointing outward and blaming the other party for causing the problem strips one of responsibility and allows escape from the unpleasantness of having to apologize.\u00a0 It is the easy way out, and ultimately it tends to bankrupt a relationship.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I really like how Stephen Covey<\/a>, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People<\/em><\/a>, conceptualizes relationships.\u00a0 He analogizes relationships to a bank account.\u00a0 When you treat another person with dignity and respect, you make deposits in their emotional bank account.\u00a0 When you hurt someone, you essentially make a withdrawal.\u00a0 By virtue of being in a sustained relationship, you will, over time, make a series of deposits and withdrawals.\u00a0 When you hurt another person and then deny your responsibility for having done so, you compound the withdrawal.\u00a0 And too many withdrawals can drain that person’s emotional bank account.\u00a0 A drained account stirs contempt and lays the foundation for the end of that relationship.\u00a0 A genuine apology is typically a deposit and it can go a long way toward bringing the account back into balance.\u00a0 To be effective, it must be heartfelt, with an acknowledgment of the depth of harm done, and with full acceptance of responsibility.\u00a0 The results should help heal wounds and it may even strengthen the relationship.\u00a0 It is a gift, because it can make forgiveness easier for the injured party.\u00a0 Denial, on the other hand, deepens the wound and widens the gap.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Saying “I’m sorry” is supposed to be difficult.\u00a0 It is an act of contrition, whereby one bares the difficult weight of the misstep and takes responsibility for it.\u00a0 This courageous endeavor is essential for sustaining a loving and caring relationship.\u00a0 The world in general, and your relationships specifically, will be better if you endeavor to be brave enough to utter these simple words.\u00a0 Doing the right thing is ultimately way more important than being right (Ludwig, 2010). To err is human; to apologize, heroic.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Belkin, L., (2010). Why is it so Hard to Apologize Well?<\/a> The New York Times<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lazare, A., (2004). Making Peace Through Apology.<\/a>\u00a0 GreaterGood.berkley.edu<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Ludwig, R., (2009).\u00a0 Why is it so Hard to Say “I’m Sorry?”<\/a>\u00a0 NBC NEWS.com<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mumford & Sons (2010). Little Lion Man <\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

O Leary, T. (2007). 5 Steps to an Effective Apology<\/a>.\u00a0 Pick The Brain.com<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Saying “I’m sorry” can be very difficult for some of us.\u00a0 We routinely make mistakes.\u00a0 As coined by Alexander Pope: “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”\u00a0 Within any interpersonal relationship there will be inadvertent missteps or even acts of anger that hurt those close to us.\u00a0 Its not a matter of if, it’s a … <\/p>\n

Read more “The Power of an Apology”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[58,37],"tags":[81],"class_list":["post-2813","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-happiness","category-psychology","tag-relationships"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3mcUm-Jn","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2813","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2813"}],"version-history":[{"count":33,"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2813\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2846,"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2813\/revisions\/2846"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2813"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2813"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/geraldguild.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2813"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}