Saying “I’m sorry” can be very difficult for some of us. We routinely make mistakes. As coined by Alexander Pope: “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Within any interpersonal relationship there will be inadvertent missteps or even acts of anger that hurt those close to us. Its not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. Forgiving is important, as Pope emphasizes: and it is also quite often a difficult thing to do. But the act of apologizing, it seems to me, can be even harder.
But why?
Obviously it necessitates swallowing one’s pride and accepting responsibility for one’s misdeeds. It also requires a departure from one’s unique view of the world and the adoption of another person’s perspective. Swallowing one’s pride is hard enough and perspective taking stirs the feelings of guilt. For these reasons alone, I believe that saying the two simple words “I’m sorry” is perhaps one of the bravest things a person can do.
There are other factors that contribute to the difficulty associated with an apology. Some view it as a tacit acknowledgement of one’s weakness. It does tend to elicit a personal feeling of vulnerability and perhaps pangs of subjugation, defeat, and loss of status. It can entwine and envelope one in a aura of incompetence and humility. No one likes such feelings: none of them elevate one’s sense of well being. The opposite is true: they instead elicit dysphoric feelings that essentially punish the inclination to apologize. Thus, many avoid, ignore, or steep themselves in denial. Pointing outward and blaming the other party for causing the problem strips one of responsibility and allows escape from the unpleasantness of having to apologize. It is the easy way out, and ultimately it tends to bankrupt a relationship.
I really like how Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, conceptualizes relationships. He analogizes relationships to a bank account. When you treat another person with dignity and respect, you make deposits in their emotional bank account. When you hurt someone, you essentially make a withdrawal. By virtue of being in a sustained relationship, you will, over time, make a series of deposits and withdrawals. When you hurt another person and then deny your responsibility for having done so, you compound the withdrawal. And too many withdrawals can drain that person’s emotional bank account. A drained account stirs contempt and lays the foundation for the end of that relationship. A genuine apology is typically a deposit and it can go a long way toward bringing the account back into balance. To be effective, it must be heartfelt, with an acknowledgment of the depth of harm done, and with full acceptance of responsibility. The results should help heal wounds and it may even strengthen the relationship. It is a gift, because it can make forgiveness easier for the injured party. Denial, on the other hand, deepens the wound and widens the gap.
Saying “I’m sorry” is supposed to be difficult. It is an act of contrition, whereby one bares the difficult weight of the misstep and takes responsibility for it. This courageous endeavor is essential for sustaining a loving and caring relationship. The world in general, and your relationships specifically, will be better if you endeavor to be brave enough to utter these simple words. Doing the right thing is ultimately way more important than being right (Ludwig, 2010). To err is human; to apologize, heroic.
References:
Belkin, L., (2010). Why is it so Hard to Apologize Well? The New York Times
Lazare, A., (2004). Making Peace Through Apology. GreaterGood.berkley.edu
Ludwig, R., (2009). Why is it so Hard to Say “I’m Sorry?” NBC NEWS.com
Mumford & Sons (2010). Little Lion Man
O Leary, T. (2007). 5 Steps to an Effective Apology. Pick The Brain.com
