The Cost of Being an Introvert in a Culture That Glorifies Extroversion

For most of my life I thought that there was something wrong with me. It has seemed to me that most people appear to look forward to, and thoroughly enjoy social gatherings. For me, dread has been, and generally remains the predominant feeling associated with having to go to a party. And although I often enjoy a nice party (the smaller and more intimate the better), I find them exhausting. This is much less so for my small group of friends, and with them, the pros far outweigh the cons. But with casual acquaintances or strangers, this is not the case – and the cons win the day.

This reality has for the longest time made me feel bad about myself. I remember a time (some 26 years ago) when this feeling hit me hard. I was at a professional conference in Orlando and my partner and I went to Disney World’s Pleasure Island. Back then this adult oriented portion of the resort was a place for partying. The contrast between what I was seeing (people having a blast) and what I was feeling (a deep desire to get out of there) was profound and I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with me. I internalized it as a weakness – a pathology of sorts – and this was true despite just having completed a PhD in psychology (some would think I should have known better given my profession).

I of course was familiar with Carl Jung’s so coined Introvert and Extrovert personality types. I was also familiar the Meyer’s Briggs personality “test” (a much maligned test in professional psychology) where I came out as an Extrovert. So I really hadn’t internalized the reality that my struggles might be associated with the fact that I might actually be an Introvert. In retrospect this highlights one of the major flaws in all self-report “personality” tests, where one tends to report what they would prefer to be rather than what they are.

My struggles with social engagement came into my awareness early in life. As a young child, adults referred to me as shy.  Of course, as children tend to do, I too defined myself as being shy, and leaning on that crutch was easier than taking steps to expand my social skills. But really, shyness is anxiety about social judgement and it’s not the same as being introverted. But I knew that outgoing, gregarious, and highly social people were the most liked and respected. I was none of those things. If you know deep in your core that you lack those highly valued characteristics – then isn’t the development of anxiety about social judgement an easy leap to take? I may have in fact been shy, but being introverted in a world that values extroversion over introversion may have enhanced my shyness. Later, in adolescence, some people told me that they thought that I was “stuck-up,” or a “snob.” All I can say is that I felt anything but superior to others. Quite the opposite actually. Even as a child I knew that I was “different than” what was demonstrably valued.

I spent a lifetime looking at myself as being socially deficient simply because I hated engaging in small talk. I also felt bad about myself because high stimulation environments (like in partys, bars or “Pleasure” Island) tended to exhaust me. It wasn’t until I came across a TED Talk called The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain that I realized that I wasn’t deficient.

I watched Ms. Cain proclaim many values that introverts do bring to the world and I wept. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Ms. Cain mentioned the names of some famous people with Introverted traits and I subsequently learned that there are lots of people like myself that identify as Introverts. Cain reported that around 40% of the population, and a brief review of the scientific literature suggests that between 30 and 50% of the population is somewhere on the introverted end of the spectrum. Some well known Introverts include Charles Darwin, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks, and many more, including some current cultural and political icons. So, I came to learn that I was not inherently flawed, but instead, that I had social inclinations like many other people – and some very successful people.

There are a couple important things to note:

1. These Introvert/Extrovert (I/E) traits are hard-wired into one’s personality and are fundamental to who the person is. It’s not a choice, nor is it something you can will yourself out of, or something that can or should be cured.
2. There is a spectrum across which people exhibit the I/E traits. These traits are not dichotomous, meaning it is not necessarily an either/or proposition. Across the population there is a distribution of individuals falling on the continuum between extreme introversion and extreme extroversion with people falling anywhere between these poles. A great number of folks fall in the middle region of the spectrum and these midland folks have come to be referred to as Ambiverts. They have both Introvert and Extrovert traits.

It is true than an Ambivert may want and need both quiet time and social engagement: however, this also true for both Introverts and Extroverts. So, what’s with the labels and what do they really mean? The bottom line is “where do you charge your batteries?” In other words what gives and what depletes your energy levels. Introverts get energy from solitude or low energy intimate social interactions. High energy and/or non-intimate social interactions tend to deplete energy levels for these folks. On the other hand, Extroverts tend to get energy from larger and more vigorous gatherings – and are depleted, non-energized, or bored by solitude and/or smaller social situations. Many folks, the Ambiverts, may not fall exclusively in either group – again, perhaps needing both quiet time and high energy interactions, OR not realizing any significant battery drain or gain from either type of social engagement. So again, it is not necessarily a dichotomous trait –  it is a matter of how many traits you have that define where you are on the spectrum.

One way to find out where you fall on the Introvert/Ambivert/Extrovert Spectrum is to take Susan Cain’s Quiet Quiz. Below are 20 questions taken from Ms. Cain’s website.

“Answer each question True or False, choosing the answer that applies to you more often than not.” [Keep a tally of your answers (i.e., the numbers of true and false responses) or click here Quiet Quiz and take the quiz online. This is not a standardized instrument with rigorously tested psychometric properties. Regardless, if interested, you’ll get a basic idea of where you “fall” on the I/E spectrum. Be sure to be honest with yourself. Resist the temptation to answer in a way that reflects how you wish you were.]

1. 1. I prefer one-on-one conversations to group activities.
   2. I often prefer to express myself in writing.
   3. I enjoy solitude.
   4. I seem to care about wealth, fame, and status less than my peers.
   5. I dislike small talk, but I enjoy talking in-depth about topics that matter to me.
   6. People tell me that I’m a good listener.
   7. I’m not a big risk-taker.
   8. I enjoy work that allows me to “dive in” with few interruptions.
   9. I like to celebrate birthdays on a small scale, with only one or two close friends or family members.
   10. People describe me as “soft-spoken” or “mellow”.
   11. I prefer not to show or discuss my work with others until it’s finished.
   12. I dislike conflict.
   13. I do my best work on my own.
   14. I tend to think before I speak.
   15. I feel drained after being out and about, even if I’ve enjoyed myself.
   16. I often let calls go through to voice-mail.
   17. If I had to choose, I’d prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.
   18. I don’t enjoy multi-tasking.
   19. I can concentrate easily.
   20. In classroom situations, I prefer lectures to seminars. 

According to Cain, “The more often you answered True, the more introverted you probably are. Lots of Falses suggests [that] you’re an extrovert. If you had a roughly equal number of Trues and Falses, then you may be an “ambivert.”

I share this because I thought that I was flawed both because I lacked an understanding of the reality that there is “normalcy” no matter where you fall on the spectrum, AND because, if you are like me, you have succumbed to the Extrovert Bias that exists particularly in the United States. This bias is evidenced by the way that people tend to value and respect outgoing, gregarious, and action oriented people over quiet, restrained, and thinking oriented people.  If extroversion is the gold standard socially, then like me, you may have felt “less than.” Introverts are not less capable or less valuable than Extroverts, and it is time to shed this bias and honor your own I/E traits and those of your loved ones. If you are an Extrovert, do not assume that the quieter people around you are shy, stuck-up, disinterested, or less-than you. If you are interested in them and care – honor them. Pull them aside and talk with them. More importantly, listen to them. Really LISTEN! – and do this by asking them about their interests and what is important to them. You may be surprised. And by the way, you Extroverts out there, despite what our culture tells you, you are not the gold standard. Not in my book – not anymore.

If you fall on the Introverted end of the continuum, honor your needs, and DO NOT place value on yourself based on the unrealistically high valuation of extroversion evident in the United States. Regardless of where you fall, take 19 minutes and watch Susan Cain’s TED Talk.  Not only is it very interesting – I would argue that it can be paradigm shifting – and I believe that people across the spectrum need to shift their paradigms to either lift their self-efficacy or humble themselves and develop more empathy and respect for us Introverts. As for me, Cain’s TED Talk gave me more compassion for myself and even for those around me, particularly those on my end of the spectrum. And as for the Quiet Quiz, I answered TRUE to 18 of the 20 questions. I am very Introverted and gosh darn-it, I am okay!

References

Cain, S., (2012) TED Talk The Power of Introverts https://youtu.be/c0KYU2j0TM4?si=0m8-RtNtDIh29DaV

Cain, S., The Quiet Quiz https://susancain.net/quiet-quiz/

Dumsch, A., (2015), Are You an Ambivert? https://oitecareersblog.od.nih.gov/2015/08/10/are-you-an-ambivert

Herbert, J., Ferri, L., Hernandez, B., Zamarripa, I., Hofer, K., Sohail Fazeli, M., Shnitsar, I., & Abdallah, K. (2023) Personality diversity in the workplace: A systematic literature review on introversion, Journal of Workplace Behavioral
Health, 38:2, 165-187, DOI: 10.1080/15555240.2023.2192504 https://doi.org/10.1080/15555240.2023.2192504

Quiet Quiz