I had an important family member pass away recently. Needless to say it was heart breaking. Death has a way of forcing me to think about life. To me death is what gives life meaning and helps me focus on the value of each living and breathing moment. But when someone close to me dies and loved ones gather to memorialize that person’s life, I can’t help but think about how this group of people would be talking about me if I was the deceased. Perhaps this is a bit narcissistic, but I wager that it is quite common.
I know by virtue of the time that has passed that I am much closer to my end than I am to my beginning – so these thoughts become more intense and relevant.
Looking back at my life it is clear that I have made my share of mistakes. Had I made choices that now make me cringe? Yes! Do those mistakes still define me? No! Rest assured that I am more than proficient at recalling my poor choices and casting aspersions on myself. Rarely does a day pass that I don’t rebuke myself for something that I have said or done that has hurt someone. (See The Guilt-Empathy Connection for more on this). Forgiveness for myself is hard won. To me this is Hell. Hell exists in my own mind. I’m not getting into a discussion here about the afterlife and whether there is one or not, but rather the Hell that plays out in my own mind.
As I have said, past mistakes and missteps, particularly those that have caused harm to others, are my Hell. My Hell feels relentless, tortuous, and eternal. Okay, that is a bit hyperbolic, but nonetheless sometimes it feels like there is an active ongoing process inside my head that intentionally gives me painful pause.
Heaven is also something that I experience in my mind’s reckoning. Heaven for me comes from the feeling that I have been a powerful and/or positive life-force. I use the term life-force, not in a mystical nor biological way, but with regard to being someone who enriches the lives around them. A person who lifts up rather than one who drains. The feeling that I get when I sense that I AM a net-positive life-force in turn, lifts me up. From here on out I’ll call this Life-Force-Positive or LF+. This is my Heaven. It is not that important to me to be perceived as being LF+, what is important, is BEING LF+. It is more important to me “to be – rather than to seem to be” to paraphrase Steven Covey.
This is an important distinction because BEING is under my control and is both intrinsically motivated and realized. I’m not dependent upon others’ perception for my sense of personal self valuation and relevance. I cannot control other’s perceptions. But, if I am positive and contribute to others’ lives, then I gain personal value with no discernible loss. This latter point is the tricky part. It is important to find balance. One can, in such an effort, become so self-sacrificing that the result in martyrdom. Finding the sweet spot where one’s own needs are met and one’s boundaries are respected is very important too. I’m not advocating for being a pushover or a martyr here. It may seem like a narrow line to walk – and that’s why it takes effort.
I may not always, in all circumstances, be LF+. But I am trying. And there are definite opportunities for growth here. It’s a goal and one that helps me actualize Heaven on Earth. And if I successfully enough realize this goal, when I do depart this Earthy realm, the people left behind may genuinely say “He’ll be missed.” I have to be honest – leaving a LF+ legacy is a desire. I’m not completely immune to the impact of how others feel about me. I don’t know – does this seem selfish? To do good to feel good? From my perspective it feels like a win-win. Additionally, it’s my effort at counter-nihilism. It’s what gives me and my life meaning.
I know that my Heaven and Hell are real and that they are uniquely personal. That’s not to say that others do not experience a similar introspective attempt at correcting one’s ways and/or an effort for a LF+ lifestyle; however, I wonder how widespread this is. What is your Earthly Heaven and Hell? Do they exist in your earthly realm?
Note:
1. This post is dedicated to my mother in law who passed away just before Christmas. Lynn, you will live on in my memory forever for many reasons, a big one being because of your loving welcome into your family despite my human fallibility.
2. Thank you to the band Caamp for their song By and By, and bringing the phrase “Life Force” into my consciousness.
You are such a LF+ in my life-I love you more than words can express. My heaven exists in your arms and my world is a better place because of you, husband.